Beattie stresses that Codependents are reactionaries. They react to other people’s problems, emotions, needs, behaviours etc. and that when these problems, emotions, needs and behaviours become more intense the Codependent reacts more intensely. They become over-involved. “Overinvolvement of any sort can keep us in a state of chaos; it can keep the people around us in a state of chaos. If we’re focusing all our energies on people and problems, we have little left for the business of living our own lives. Worrying and obsessing keep us so tangled in our heads we can’t solve our problems. we become detached from ourselves. We forfeit our power and ability to think, feel, act and take care of ourselves. We lose control.” pg. 58. Often reacting to situations doesn’t lead to the positive outcome that was intended and as such a Codependents life can be come more complicated than it needs to be.
Codependents excessively worry or are preoccupied with a problem or person. They can also be obsessed with and controlling of the people and problems in their environment, emotionally dependent on the people around them and act as caretakers (rescuers, enablers). In rescuing they seek to take care of people who are capable of taking care of themselves. Beattie argues that rescuing such people from their responsibilities doesn’t help them to grow, it enables them to continue to shirk the consequences of their actions.
In obsession a Codependents feelings and thoughts are filled with the other person’s feelings and thoughts. Everything reminds them of that person and it can seem that everything that is said or done relates to them. In addition, the Codependent often has feelings that something bad is going to happen sooner or later and this fills them with anxiety if things don’t go as planned or normally. This causes fear and more anxiety. In order to overcome this Codependents try to control the situation or people to stop things from going bad or worse still, to avoid abandonment or taking care of themselves. A person with a strong sense of self-worth would at these times back away from the situation or the Dependent but a Codependent holds on tighter.
Whether Codependency is developed in childhood or in adulthood the Codependent demonstrates a lack of trust in themselves. Because they are unable to fix what they see as other peoples problems they feel deficient. Because they believe the lies that a Dependent tells them after being challenged by the Codependent (who often correctly asses the situation in the first place) they learn not to trust their own judgement or intuition. This lack of trust in themselves often leads to them clinging on to those who cannot or will not love them back – often settling for too little. Codependents are also controlled by others and find it hard to resist when someone they grow tired of caring for says or does something that indicates things may change, that they will make more effort and behave how the Codependent expects. So they stick by the Dependent hoping things will be different this time.
Codependents deny their true feelings (fear, neediness, anger, ambivalence towards a Dependent) because they are afraid that they may have to acknowledge that they have to take an action that they really don’t want to take e.g. leaving the Dependent or face a truth that they do not want to face e.g. they can’t fix this problem, the Dependent is abusive etc. Denial of feelings leads to physical problems as the body starts to struggle with the effects of stress and anxiety e.g. high blood pressure, fatigue etc. or as often can happen the effects of substance abuse/food abuse that the Codependent practices in order to numb their emotional pain.
Codependents undertake in manipulative behaviour in the name of love and trying to help but in the end “We aren’t the people who ‘make things happen’. Co-dependents are the people who consistently, and with a great deal of effort and energy, try to force things to happen” Beattie pg. 76. Codependents don’t understand that they don’t have to control others and that any element of control means that the other person would normally have no interest in achieving the outcome the Codependent wants to achieve. They ignore the reality because they are frightened of what it really means for them. “People ultimately do what they want to do. They feel how they want to feel (or how they are feeling); they think what they want to think; they do the things they believe they need to do; and they will change only when they are ready to change. It doesn’t matter if they’re wrong and we’re right. It doesn’t matter if they’re hurting themselves. It doesn’t matter that we could help them if they’d only listen to, and cooperate with, us. IT DOESN’T MATTER” Beattie pg. 80-81.
As a result of the behaviour of Dependents in their past/present Codependents also have a distinct lack of trust in others. They look out for signs that things are going to go bad, for misbehaviour, for betrayal… they expect others to hurt them. As a result they tend to withdraw emotionally from those they feel will hurt them.
They can also sit in moral judgement on others, trying to dictate to them how they should behave. They like to think of themselves as knowledgeable, right or morally superior, they behave like martyrs. Often this is too much of a burden for the Codependent to be able to cope with long term.
In essence Codependents are people pleasers. They “make great employees. They don’t complain; they do more than their share; they do whatever is asked of them; they please people; and they try to do their work perfectly – at least for a while, until they become angry and resentful.” Beattie pg. 78
A Codependent will live their lives in indecision. Whatever decision they make it will be the wrong one because at some point they will feel guilty or frightened for having made it, particularly when other people’s needs are involved. For example, they may get resentful and angry for having to consistently help other people so they rage “No more, do it yourself!”. When the anger passes they feel guilty for their outburst which was a mistake. They now see themselves as selfish and go back to helping out exactly as they did before. Beattie summarises it by saying “Some of us believe we have made such bad mistakes that we can’t reasonably expect forgiveness. Some of us believe our lives are a mistake. Many of us believe everything we’ve done is a mistake. A few of us believe we can’t do anything right, but at the same time, we demand perfection of ourselves. We put ourselves in impossible situations, then wonder why we can’t get out.” pg. 120-121.
Sometimes Codependents project an air of weakness and seek for others to help them.
Beattie explains that Codependents need to stop reacting/behaving in this way and start to act in healthier ways.
They behave this way because they genuinely want to help and want things to be better for the other person and themselves. Beattie states “Most of us aren’t even aware of what we’re doing. Most of us truly believe we’re helping. Some of us believe we have to rescue. We have confused ideas about what constitutes help and what doesn’t. Many of us are convinced that rescuing is a charitable deed. Many of us do not understand what we are responsible for and what we are not responsible for.”pg. 90
Others have taught them that they are worthless or that their opinions and needs are not important. Nobody has shown them that they don’t have to give all of themselves all the time. They haven’t been counseled that it is wrong to take responsibility for others who can take responsibility for themselves. If anything they have been encouraged by others to be self-less through intimidation, manipulation and even praise.
“at the heart of most rescues is a demon: low self-worth.” Beattie pg. 90. Taking care of people makes Codependents feel good about themselves because it makes them feel needed and powerful. This acts as a substitute for the feeling of being loved – which is something the Codependent doesn’t really feel they deserve.
Focusing on other people’s problems and defects stops them from focusing on their own problems and defects. In addition they haven’t learned or been taught how to manage their own feelings.
They have a sense of martyrdom and of goodness and they want to try to meet this ideal. This ideal is usually one that was programmed in during childhood e.g. via a repressive religion or parent.
The pattern of caretaking repeats itself as the Codependent denies their feelings and hopes that the next time they try it will all change – like magic. It rarely happens and if it does, the change doesn’t last long. The other person will not be able to keep up the effort or something new will come up that needs to be fixed. They never seem to work out for themselves that their needs and wants are just as important as anybody else’s, that they don’t have to give so much of themselves that it hurts – someone usually has to point it out to them.