Beattie has produced a very long list of Characteristics on pg. 42 to 52 of her book. They are categorised in the following groups, Care taking, Low Self-Worth, Repression, Obsession, Controlling, Denial, Dependency, Poor Communication, Weak Boundaries, Lack of Trust, Anger, Sex Problems, Miscellaneous and Progressive. Below is a selection of some of the behaviours and feelings she describes. They outline that Codependent’s may:
- think and feel responsible for other people – for other people’s feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being and ultimate destiny.
- Feel compelled – almost forced – to help that person solve the problem, such as offering unwanted advice, giving rapid-fire series of suggestions, or fixing feelings.
- Find themselves saying yes when they mean no, doing things they don’t really want to be doing, doing more than their fair share of the work, and doing things other people are capable of doing for themselves.
- Find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others, rather than injustices done to themselves.
- Find themselves attracted to needy people.
- Believe deep inside other people are somehow responsible for them.
- Feel angry, victimized, unappreciated and used.
- Come from troubled, repressed, or dysfunctional families.
- Blame themselves for everything.
- Reject compliments or praise.
- Think they’re not quite good enough.
- Fear rejection.
- Take things personally.
- Afraid of making mistakes.
- Expect themselves to do everything perfectly.
- Feel a lot of guilt.
- Think their lives aren’t worth living.
- Get artificial feelings of self-worth from helping others.
- Believe they don’t deserve good things and happiness.
- Try to prove they’re good enough for other people.
- Push their thoughts and feelings out of their awareness because of fear and guilt.
- Appear rigid and controlled.
- Lose sleep over problems or other people’s behaviour.
- Worry.
- Never find answers.
- Try to catch people in acts of misbehaviour.
- Focus all their energy on other people and problems.
- Become afraid to let other people be who they are and allow events to happen naturally.
- Try to control events and people through helplessness, guilt, coercion, threats, advice-giving, manipulation, or domination.
- Feel controlled by events and people.
- Pretend circumstances aren’t as bad as they are.
- Become workaholics.
- Spend money compulsively.
- Don’t feel happy, content, or peaceful with themselves.
- Feel terribly threatened by the loss of any thing or person they thing provides their happiness.
- Didn’t feel love and approval from their parents.
- Don’t love themselves.
- Desperately seek love and approval.
- Don’t take time to see if other people are good for them.
- Look to relationships to provide all their good feelings.
- Lose interest in their own lives when they love.
- Don’t say what they mean.
- Don’t mean what they say.
- Ask for what they need indirectly.
- Gauge their words carefully to achieve a desired effect.
- Talk about other people.
- Avoid talking about themselves, their problems, feelings, and thoughts.
- Lie to protect and cover up for people they love.
- Apologise for bothering people.
- Let others hurt them.
- Say they won’t tolerate certain behaviours from other people, then gradually increase their tolerance until they can tolerate and do things they never said they would.
- Don’t trust their feelings.
- Don’t trust their decisions.
- Don’t trust other people.
- Try to trust unworthy people.
- Think God has abandoned them.
- Feel very scared, hurt, and angry.
- Cry a lot, get depressed, overeat, get sick, do mean and nasty things to get even, act hostile, or have violent temper outbursts.
- Place guilt and shame on themselves for feeling angry.
- Have sex when they’d rather be held, nurtured, and loved.
- Have a difficult time asking for what they need in bed.
- Feel sexual revulsion toward their partner.
- Have strong sexual fantasies about other people.
- Extremely responsible.
- Extremely irresponsible.
- Become martyrs, sacrificing their happiness and that of others for causes that don’t require sacrifice.
- Find it difficult to have fun and be spontaneous.
- Stay loyal to their compulsions and people even when it hurts.
- Ashamed about family, personal or relationship problems.
- Feel lethargic.
- Feel depressed.
- Become violent.
- Become seriously emotionally, mentally, or physically ill.
- Experience an eating disorder (over- or undereating).
- Become addicted to alcohol and other drugs.
Beattie believes that this behaviour is habitual and self-destructive, that it can “lead us into, or keep us in, destructive relations, relationships that don’t work. These behaviours sabotage relationships that may otherwise have worked.” pg. 38-37 She also explains that Codependents unconsciously pick troubled partners in order to have purpose, be needed and feel fulfilled.