A Dependent doesn’t naturally take responsibility for the consequences of their own behaviour. A Codependent who takes on another persons responsibility doesn’t assist that person to get better by rescuing them, if anything they become more Dependent. This leads to them taking advantage of the Codependent who becomes overburdened, resentful and ultimately angry/vengeful as they find themselves doing things they don’t want to do for someone who just won’t change their behaviour (in a manner the Codependent expects). So what does a Codependent do now? Sometimes the Codependent will say or do noting and wonder why nobody understands what they’re going through. Most Codependents don’t feel they have a right to be angry. They bottle it up until it gets too much for them that they explode and do things they regret. They see this explosion as a sign that something is very wrong with them. In their rage they tell the Dependent what a crap job they’re doing of managing their life and catering to their needs. As the Dependent is now subjected to criticism and rage, they rage back, they feel resentful to the Codependent for their help. They ridicule, become abusive, feel guilty and try to please. They may abandon the Codependent. The Codependent then feels unappreciated, unloved, abused and like a victim. They wonder why the Dependent doesn’t rescue them back. They feel guilty for raging, they apologise to the Dependent and try to make amends. After all that the Dependent may still not be ready to change, they are unable to take responsibility for themselves just because the Codependent wills it.
Working hard at changing someone else is unlikely to bring the Codependent the changes they seek. Sometimes that person is not capable of changing, they may not be willing to change or they may not have the skills to do the things as a Codependent needs them or wants them to do it. For example, a wife nagging her out of work Alcoholic husband to stop drinking and take some financial responsibility for their children is unlikely to work. Having highlighted his lack of ability to meet her needs and that of their children it is likely to make him feel worse about himself and more resentful towards his wife. He may drink more to compensate. Even if he tries hard to be what she wants him to be it is likely he will relapse because he doesn’t have the emotional strength that is required to sustain this level of responsibility whilst fighting his addiction.
If the Codependent has an Alcoholic partner then that is the reality of their situation, they have no control over changing the Alcoholic, they can only change their own behaviour and even then they may be limited in what they can achieve. In the example above the wife might decide to get a job in order to provide financially for her children but what then happens to her children? Who looks after them? The Alcoholic father? A paid child minder? Who will do the housework, the shopping? It is important for the Codependent to accept the reality of any situation, do what they can to make it better for themselves but not to crucify themselves and take on every responsibility i.e. work, look after the children, do the housework and look after the Alcoholic husband. Something has to give and it would make sense that the thing they should give up is that which someone else’s responsibility.
As time goes on and the Codependents own needs are not met they continue to feel resentful for all their hard efforts which harvest little reward and their behaviour disintegrates. The cycle of seeking to help, control, manipulate, hope, monitor, resenting, raging, analysing, guilt and apologising repeats itself until often the Codependent becomes so frustrated that they completely give up all responsibility and attempts to help. They may even begin to act irresponsibly themselves. They can vent their anger in verbally, emotionally and physically abusive ways. “I suspect codependents have historically attacked social injustice and fought for the rights of the underdog. Codependents want to help. I suspect they have helped. But they probably died thinking they didn’t do enough and were feeling guilty. It is natural to want to protect and help the people we care about. It is also natural to be affected by and react to the problems of people around us. As a problem becomes more serious and remains unresolved, we become more affected and react more intensely to it.” Beattie pg. 37-38.
On the flip side when a Dependent improves by no longer taking part in self-damaging behaviour and taking on more of their own responsibility the Codependent (contrary to what they might expect) is often still not happy. This could be for a number of reasons. It may be that it has taken so long and too much effort to get the Dependent to change that the Codependent is no longer in a giving/loving frame of mind. It might be because now that the Dependent takes better care of themselves the Codependent has lost the control they once had and feels useless. It could be that as things have improved the Codependent feels safer to express their anger and the Dependent reacts badly to it thus creating another set of problems. It is also likely that the Codependent doesn’t believe the change is permanent so they continue to look for signs of misbehaviour or it could be due to the Codependent’s fears relating to their own short comings and self-worth which they have not yet faced.
Those who are Codependent can have strong negative feelings which they inhibit and later unleash in explosive ways:
- Guilt – for not being perfect, not having been able to fix the situation and for their bad behaviour (anger, resentment, violence, lack of strength etc.).
- Resentment – for not catering to their own needs and looking after someone who cannot or will not change. For not being heard.
- Anger – towards the Dependent for not changing or not appreciating their efforts. Towards themselves for not being strong enough to leave, cope or resolve the situation.
- Frustration – for not being able to resolve the situation.
- Shame – for not being good enough for other people to love them. For their “crazy” behaviour.
- Fear – of intimacy, of not being good enough, of their feelings. When Dependents are violent or abusive they have fear of the Dependent.
However, overriding this is a strong sense of love, in order to want to help and give of themselves. Codependents usually have an overly strong sense of wanting to take care of others. They become obsessed with love objects and their needs. It is argued that this is not real love because in order to love someone else you must love yourself first and Codependents generally don’t love themselves. They often become mentally and physically unwell through the stress of caretaking for others and neglecting their own needs.