Those with BPD love love – they are obsessed by it and will do anything to ensure they get it. To them it is a means of filling up their loneliness and lack of Self through another person rather than an expression of regard or caring for someone as an equal partner.
While their need for love is apparent they don’t know how to return love. In reality they are afraid of intimacy and do not have the emotional strength to fight their fears of inadequacy or abandonment in a manner that makes it possible for them to return love. After the passion of new love subsides they become bored, often moving on to a new partner. If they continue in the relationship “instead of deepening concern and communication, there ensues a struggle for control. The arena of this often violent struggle may include time, money, sex, fidelity, spiritual beliefs, children, or physical and emotional distance. The centrepiece of the struggle is the threat of abandonment.” Moskovitz [1, pg. 144].
They do not trust others and as such their relationships are fraught with battles. They are manipulative and will hurt others when their needs are not being met by raging or sometimes by physically hurting themselves or less likely their partners. Because partners get frustrated and try to regain their own power they may “strike back or flee.” Moskovitz [1, pg. 144]
Sufferers do not love themselves, in fact they practice self-hatred. Psychologists often comment that anyone who doesn’t love themselves can’t truly love others.
It all sounds very bleak. However, with effective treatment those with BPD can learn to understand their feelings, control their impulsive behaviour and strengthen their sense of Self enabling them to improve the quality of their relationships.
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