Does “Perfect Parenting” Exist?

As described in our article on Attachment Strategies, Dr Patricia Crittenden, an American Psychologist who is best known for her work in the field of attachment theory and lead creator of the Dynamic Maturational Model of Attachment and Adaptation maintains that

All parents harm their children more or less, just as all are more or less protective and comforting. All parents are mixtures of positive and negative characteristics; they differ in their flexibility and the reversibility of the harm that they cause.^{1 p. 3}

Let that sink in. ALL parents behave in harmful ways to some degree and there is some scope for repairing harm. This suggests any institution responsible for making decisions as important as if a parent should have a role in their child’s life, would need to complete appropriate assessment to understand, if harm has been caused, the degree of the harm and the parent’s ability to change for the benefit of improving outcomes for their child.

Dr Edward Tronick is a developmental psychologist in the USA who researches infants, parents and parenting. He developed the “Still Face” Experiment² to observe parent/child interactions and it has been replicated successfully many times with mums and Dads³ worldwide. Tronic found

In typical healthy parent-infant pairs, on average 70 percent of the interactions were out of sync! Disconnection was an inevitable part of interaction^{4 p. 37}.

This means that even parents who are sensitive to their child’s needs, cannot meet the all the child’s needs, all the time.

Both these significant bodies of work, dismiss any idea that a “perfect parent” exists. This should take the pressure off normal range parents who are just trying to get through the day looking after their child in a world filled with increasing stresses and high expectations. It also suggests that any expectation of perfection from either a family court professional, child or ex, is an unrealistic ask.

It should also be noted that perfect parenting is not necessary for successful child development. Tronick’s research showed, even in healthy parent-infant interactions, parents only needed to be attuned to their child’s needs 30% of the time and were still able to maintain a healthy parent/child relationship. In addition, in the book Playing and Reality, Winnicott suggests for good-enough parent’s the task is to gradually “…disillusion the infant”^{5 p. 37}from any notion that they can meet all the child’s needs. He explains

The good-enough mother… starts off with an almost complete adaptation to her infant’s needs, and as time proceeds, she adapts less and less completely, gradually, according to the infant’s growing ability to deal with her failure. Her failure to adapt to every need of the child helps them adapt to external realities.^{6 34:89-97}

Imperfect parenting spurs the child on to spend time away from the parent. This takes them out of their internal world, where their parent magically appears and does everything for them in times of need, to exploring the external world where they have to use their own skills to survive and thrive. It gives them a sense of reality. Over time this leads to making friends, learning new skills and becoming who they are. They need their parent less and less, until in adulthood they become their own independent person with a strong self, knowing who they are as separate from their parents. By being “good-enough” the parent allows the child to build a sense that their parent may not be perfect but will have their back if they need them.

It follows then, that having a parent who is very attuned to their child’s needs, may have some drawbacks as the child may not develop enough skills to survive without their parent in a less than sensitive world.

It must also be considered that a parent’s high standards for their own parenting may actually be a red flag, especially if that leads to having high standards for their child. In considering Winnicott’s work Gold suggested “perfection belongs to machines”^{7 p. 19}and it is imperfection that helps humans to adapt to the world in which we live.

Timothy Cavell and Lauren Questech are clinical Psychologists in the USA who understand that no parent is good-enough all the time and actively encourage parents to be good-enough but not perfect parents. They suggest

the good enough parent is one who isn’t trying to be perfect and doesn’t expect perfection from their child… With some exceptions, of course, there’s plenty of room for parents to mess up and ample time to correct course.⁸

In summary, as most members of the public already know, perfect parenting does not exist. More importantly, it is not required or even desirable to successfully raise a child and if mistakes have been made, some can be repaired if a parent is willing and able to put in the work.

In our next article in this series looking at good-enough parenting, we will look at what is absolutely not considered “good-enough”.

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