A Codependent can get better! This is achieved when they accept that they can only find happiness and success in bringing about change in themselves and not by changing the behaviour of their partner, friend, family member etc. through their help, advice, support and strength (which are a means of control).
In order to combat Codependency Beattie explains that it is necessary for the Codependent to detach themselves from others and their problems, to stop reacting impulsively/instinctively as rescuers. In this way the Codependent becomes an actor in control of their own destiny and that anyone who comes along for the ride is an addition to their Self and not a replacement for their Self. In this way the loss of a partner would not be so great if they decided not to continue the journey of Self awareness and improvement taken by the Codependent.
It is necessary to “mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically disengage ourselves from unhealthy (and frequently painful) entanglements with another person’s life and responsibilities, and from problems we cannot solve” Beattie pg. 62. This allows other people to be who they really are, to grow. This requires the Codependent to live in the reality of a situation, to accept that there is nothing they can do to change others but that they can make their own lives better.
Beattie stresses that detaching doesn’t necessarily mean the end of a relationship or that people should stop caring but that sometimes physical detachment can be the only answer. She recognises that there will be people out there who provoke Codependents to react because it makes them feel important. When a Codependent stops reacting these people are left frustrated because they have lost their control and power over the Codependent.
Below is a summary of how Beattie pg. 73-74 suggests Codependents learn to detach:
- Learn to recognise when you’re reacting, when you are allowing someone or something to push your buttons.
- Make yourself comfortable. restore your level of serenity and peace.
- Examine what happened. talk about your feelings. Take responsibility for them.
- Figure out what you need to do to take care of yourself. Make your decisions based on reality, and make them from a peaceful state.
She explains that it is important for Codependents to accept the reality of the situation they are in. They should seek to inform themselves of the options open to them and pick the one they see as most beneficial to themselves and anyone who is truly dependant on them. Sometimes it’s hard to know what reality is when they have partners or people who are significant to them lying to protect themselves.
Once they work out what reality is it doesn’t necessarily mean that action has to be taken or that they should accept the hopelessness of their situation, particularly when physical and sexual abuse are occurring. In these circumstances it is important to recognise and accept that abuse is occurring and act to ensure that it stops – even if that means getting out of the relationship as quickly as possible.
This means that at some point the Codependent is going to have to let go of their dreams, their hopes for the future, the “happy ever after” that will one day be fulfilled. They’re going to have to accept that they can’t fix everything or make someone else be something they can’t or don’t want to be. This works on all levels not just in love, for example, a manager with Codependent tendencies may force their staff to do their job a particular way regardless of the employees feelings or skills. They are unlikely to accept that there may be different ways to do something that works just as well or that the particular staff member will never be able to perform well in the job they are currently doing. They would much rather pummel away at enforcing the change in behaviour they seek.
Without the acceptance of reality a Codependent is unlikely to change and make things better for themselves. The process through which this is classically achieved is the grief process. The five stages of the process are summarised below:
- Denial – The person is usually in a state of shock, numbness or panic and they usually refuse to acknowledge the reality of the situation they are in. The person is usually afraid or experiences anxiety and often represses their feelings.
- Anger – After they pass through denial they usually enter a stage where they lay blame and lash out (whether this is justified or not).
- Bargaining – When they calm down and try to fix/stop what is happening they try to bargain their way out. They say “if you do this, I’ll do that then we won’t have to loose.”
- Depression – The bargaining usually doesn’t work and as a result they experience sadness, they mourn and it can be painful. At this point they must allow themselves to grieve and seek support where necessary.
- Acceptance – once the first four stages have been traversed it is possible to get to the final stage of acceptance. It doesn’t necessarily mean that they are happy it means “We are at peace with what is. We are free to stay; free to go on; free to make whatever decisions we need to make.We have accepted our loss. we are comfortable with our present circumstances and ourselves. we have faith that all is well, and we have grown from our experience.” Beattie pg. 137-138.
She reminds us that we will continue to make mistakes throughout our life as we work towards taking care of ourselves. As a result we need to remind ourselves “We are okay. It’s wonderful to be who we are. Our thoughts are ok. Our feelings are appropriate. We’re right where we’re supposed to be today, this moment. There is nothing wrong with us. There is nothing fundamentally wrong with us. If we’ve done wrongs, that’s okay; we were doing the best we could.” Beattie pg.122.
She also recommends enrolment in a self-help group like Co-dependents Anonymous.
In an alternative approach Katz and Liu argue that self-help groups focus on the use of negative labels to asses how people fit in to the world and that these labels do not promote self-esteem. They suggest a more scientific, objective and logical approach to dealing with the resolution of problems which they explain are specific, tangible facts or events that occur within a relationship in the immediate term. That this will work towards resolving some of the subjects issues which are interpreted analysis of their perceived general behaviour in the past. They believe that people can go on to make a full recovery as independent, self-reliant and happier individuals.
In the last half of their book they describe an eight-point plan to working towards a complete recovery these are summarised below:
- Define your problems without labeling yourself – This involves stepping back from your problems and changing the way you resolve them by systematically listing the problems (not issues) you are facing now and prioritising them into those that are harmful to your physical and mental health, those where an immediate decision is required, where they cause guilt and shame, those that may attract comments or criticism from others, those that lead to illegal or immoral conduct.
- Recognise the many different influences that have shaped your life – once you have identified your problems it is necessary to understand where those problems have evolved from i.e. family, biology, culture and society.
- Remember the past, don’t live it – once you have determined the major influences in your life you must analyse connections between your past and your present, challenge your memories and the distortions of time or other peoples opinions to get an accurate reading of what happened to make you the way you are but do not dwell on it.
- Accept responsibility for your own choices and actions – weigh up the consequences of the options you have open to you, ensure you keep your feelings of inadequacy and high expectations of yourself in check, recognise that you have options and make a choice.
- Focus on the goal rather than the process of recovery – ensure you are committed to changing yourself, identify the obstacles to recovery then strive for attainable recovery goals.
- Tackle your problems one at a time – identify specific goals, brainstorm possible solutions, evaluate the solutions, select one solution and one contingency solution. When you get going re-evaluate the problem, plan how you will do what is necessary, guard against self-sabotage, Implement your plan and monitor progress and plan to prevent recurrence of the original problem. When you have reached your goal move on to another one.
- Select a treatment program that nurtures self-reliance, not dependency – whether that is counselling, psychotherapy, medication, self-help groups (in the short term for specific problems) or mutual support groups.
- Develop your personal strengths and resources – believe in what you can do, build a support network of friends, family and hobbies that will help to see you through bad times, take on new challenges that will help you to grow and develop self-esteem, dare to be hopeful about the future.
This suggestion sounds straightforward but Katz and Liu recognise that change is a difficult process, that sometimes people get stuck and need guidance that helps them back to the road of self-realisation and independence.